Member-only story
The most common response I get when I explain to someone that I’m demisexual is that I’m just normal and looking for a special word for my sexuality. I’ll explain as painstakingly as I can that I don’t have sexual attraction unless a close bond forms, and that I don’t have it under any other circumstance, and that most of the time I don’t even have it then — and I’ll be met with “Oh, so you’re just waiting for the right person.” Then they’ll proceed to tell me that everyone does that while also talking about who they’re sexually attracted to, leaving me feeling unsure where to go with the conversation. Do I tell them that they don’t understand my orientation? Do I bring up that they might be demisexual too? Do I keep quiet?
In a way they’re right — after all, if my sexual attraction only forms under the circumstances of a close bond, and only towards that person, then my sexual attraction is waiting for the right person. But this doesn’t mean I’ve waited to have sex, or that I’m waiting until marriage to have it — I have had sex, and I don’t believe premarital sex is a sin. I’m ace, and my aceness is demisexuality and graysexuality, and in a world that’s saturated in sex, that can be hard to explain.
So — why come out as demisexual at all?
Realizing My Demisexuality
I first realized I was probably demisexual when I was about 24. I remember reading about it, taking quizzes, and talking to a lot of asexual and demisexual people about my sexual attraction and how I dated. How I’d tried in the past to have casual sex, but the attraction just wasn’t there, and it was just a neutral experience. How I had been sexually attracted to maybe six people in my life — but I still recognized when people were attractive — I just wasn’t attracted to them. How sexual attraction was eventually there in my more serious relationships, but not for a few months, at least, if at all. How my feelings towards having sex seemed to fluctuate and how often I’d had it just because it had been there and I thought “Well, I guess this is what we do now.” I came to learn that only having it under a specific circumstance actually had a name: demisexual.
I remember thinking “What, isn’t everyone like this?”
